Control freak? Me? Guilty. One thing marriage will show you (among many things) is your flaws. I think it's easy for most of us to recognize that there may be a few things wrong with us, but they are so small and insignificant, right? Until you commit your life to someone and realize that those small things are actually huge things that really need some work.
So, one of those things is my need for control. Since I'm being transparent, most of my need from control stems from the anxiety that I have. I have spent a lot of years being trapped by worry and fear, primarily of anything out of my control and the "unknown". Since being pregnant, this need for control has been challenged and it's been pretty incredible to so clearly see how God is working.
Let's be real, most people really don't talk about how scary or difficult pregnancy can be. You hear about the glow, and the excitement, and how beautiful it is to feel your baby kicking your rib cage. But nobody talks about the reality that you are completely out of control of the life growing inside your own body. Aside from not ingesting poisonous foods, or working out too hard, there is really nothing I can do to control what's happening inside my own body. Like, sometimes I just feel like Elizabeth Banks in What to Expect...
Last year, when I miscarried, I got a glimpse of that reality. The "there was nothing you did or didn't do" reality, it just sort of happened. This time around, it's taken a lot of conscious effort to not be riddled with fear and anxiety over losing the baby again or something going wrong. (Shout out to my counselor for slowly bringing me through little victories!) Last week, my OBGYN called me with some news about a Choroid Plexus Cyst that was found on my ultrasound. The choroid plexus is an area of the brain that is not involved thinking or personality. Rather, the choroid plexus makes a fluid that protects and nourishes the brain and spinal cord. When a fluid-filled space is seen in the choroid plexus during an ultrasound, it is called a choroid plexus cyst. The doctor continued to explain that these are extremely common and the majority of the time it is absolutely nothing and goes away sometime in the third trimester. OR it could mean the baby has Trisomy 18 (a genetic defect where babies either won't make it to term or won't live more than a day or two). Awesome. So it's either nothing, or it's deadly. I let myself have a good cry and then I pulled myself together and had to remind myself, "there is nothing I can do." Worrying will legitimately get me nowhere and this is an opportunity to trust what the Bible says: "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:13-14. I've had to trust that whatever happens really is for His glory and that He does have our best interest in mind, even if we think things aren't going the way they should be.
I have been seriously blown away with the peace God has given me during this time. He is so good and faithful. I really believe that this peace is something special He gave me when I got pregnant. This sort of supernatural and sudden understanding that not being in control is OK. I'm still a work in progress. There are days when I feel like grasping for control of any little thing possible and Jon has this look in his eyes like, ok you are crazy. (Shout out to seriously the most patient and loving man ever.)
Life is crazy right now. So much going on and so many unknowns. A lot of change on the horizon and honestly, it's hard. (Extra hormones do NOT help.) Jon and I have been having so many conversations about what we want our life to look like and one thing we are certain about is that we want our kids to grow up to know, love and trust the Lord and we can't possible expect them to do that if we don't do it ourselves. Even if that means taking risks, or standing up for what we believe in or sticking it out in a tough situation. Writing that and talking about that is scary, because it's not necessarily something we always look forward to. I'd be lying if I said that I look forward to change and the challenges it presents, but how sad to look back on our life and say that we took the easy and comfortable road. Jesus take the wheel.